Surviving Life's Storm

I'm not the chattiest person out there but if something is on my mind, I'll tell nearly anyone willing to listen (within reason).  So imagine my surprise when I realized I've been keeping more close-mouthed than usual.  Not because I don't have the same drama (I do - sigh), but I feel like I'm getting tired of talking.  I don't want to tell all the nitty gritty details of my break up with my boyfriend.  I don't want to talk about the fact that I found 47 blocked messages from my ex husband.  I'm kind of just...done.  I don't want to focus on those if it takes my focus off my work.  I don't know if I experienced a sort of mental reboot recently or if it's because I'm exercising more or what.  And honestly...I don't care to find out.  I'm done stressing about every little detail (lol, jk). I just want to live my life , unapologetically, with no regrets, and no burdens.

I think things are starting to escalate again.  I've been getting erratic emails from my ex which are mainly just empty threats to take me to court.  He contacted the school asking to see my oldest and then, later, he hacked into my oldest son's tablet.  I'm becoming concerned about him knowing where we live.  I'm nervous.  It's been nearly 2 years (tomorrow) since our separation and nearly 1 year since I moved away with the kids.

I've never been close to my mom.  I'm not sure when it happened or when I noticed but I've always felt like she resented my existence, despite continuous exclamations about how I was the daughter she always wanted, and I can't help but feel it was my personality.  I'm an introvert and she couldn't just let me be.  I first felt suicidal at the age of 12.  I felt unwanted and like I wasn't good enough.  I was always too chicken to really do anything about it, even make a plan, but when I get stressed enough, my thoughts always go to wishing I could just disappear.  Things got worse as I got a bit older.  At the age of 16, I broke down at a bible study meeting about how I felt unloved.  Their friendship filled a void in my heart and I learned to keep my friends close.  My parents separated when I was 20, but for years before that, whenever they fought, my mom would take it out on me.  I got the impression that she was jealous that my ...

Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me sane in life is my babysitter.  Because of her, I am able to take a couple nights off a week so I can keep dancing and keep in contact with my life outside of my kids.  As an added bonus, she tidies up the toys the kids leave out, which honestly means so much to me.  It can mean the difference between feeling overwhelmed and stressed...or not. I work from home and currently have my 4-year-old at home with me, so I often have to overlook/ignore his messy antics so I can focus on my job and make money to continue to support myself.  I still feel every social pressure out there to have an immaculate house (because I work from home) and often find it difficult to justify taking the time to clean when I could be using that time to work (and make money to pay off my every increasing debt) instead. So when the mess accumulates and I feel stressed, all I want to do is hide and cry because I can't seem to find the work/life bala...

I feel like everything I've done up to this point, everything I've endured and everything I've gone without, has been for the greater good.  I didn't want to tarnish the memory of my in-laws and their surviving family.  Who needs that news spread all across social media?!  I didn't want to have to answer any prying questions, let alone accept my part in the failed marriage and the resulting catastrophe.  But, mostly, I hate confrontation.  I've let things slide.  I have valid excuses too, of course, like how I'm so busy working all the time and I can't afford a lawyer, etc., but mostly they're just excuses. And I'm about to suffer financially for it. When I left the house, I left all the financial responsibility in the hands of my not-quite ex.  He had been paying the mortgage already, so I left it for him to continue paying.  I saw a lawyer who would not take me on because she knew it would bankrupt me and I left it be. ...

After my mother-in-law passed away, I saw my father-in-law for the first time in a year and he was beside himself with grief. And remorse.  He knew what I had been through last year and he felt guilty.  He felt like he had personally contributed to my hell because he loved his son and gave him financial support, only to realize too late that the money wasn't going towards paying the mortgage.  And as much as he loved his son, he loved his grandsons more and kept pleading with me to keep them safe and not leave them alone with his son.  I've kept my promise, Tony. Rest in peace.