Betrayal or paranoia?
I've never been close to my mom.
I'm not sure when it happened or when I noticed but I've always felt like she resented my existence, despite continuous exclamations about how I was the daughter she always wanted, and I can't help but feel it was my personality. I'm an introvert and she couldn't just let me be.
I first felt suicidal at the age of 12. I felt unwanted and like I wasn't good enough. I was always too chicken to really do anything about it, even make a plan, but when I get stressed enough, my thoughts always go to wishing I could just disappear. Things got worse as I got a bit older. At the age of 16, I broke down at a bible study meeting about how I felt unloved. Their friendship filled a void in my heart and I learned to keep my friends close.
My parents separated when I was 20, but for years before that, whenever they fought, my mom would take it out on me. I got the impression that she was jealous that my dad had time for me and not for her. That he would do things for me when I asked (probably because I rarely asked). She flat out said I had my dad wrapped around my little finger. Those accusations stung because she made it sound like I was a manipulative person and I questioned how others saw me. Was I manipulative?
A few months ago, I realized there was a name for that kind of behaviour: Emotional neglect and emotional abuse thrown in when she was angry.
It all makes sense now, of course. No wonder I was so desperate for a relationship that I threw myself into an abusive relationship and continued it despite so many red flags. Because my parents had divorced, I felt like I had something to prove: That I could make my marriage work when hers didn't.
After my husband and I separated, my mom and I bonded over our failed marriages. But then my ex started stalking and harassing and terrorizing me in my own home. She became worried (excessively, I thought) to the point where she was scared he would kill me or the boys, and then himself.
After I moved out, my mom and I became closer because she started taking my boys for an occasional weekend or even a week at a time over the summer. We finally had a good relationship!
And then...betrayal.
After my father-in-law's service, my ex visited my mom at her place. She told me in person a week later. She was so pleased with how good he looked (compared to the last time he was there, when he was crazy). He even brought small trinkets for the kids!
Um...what?
Then the next time she had the kids at her place, she called him and let him speak to the kids, even though it was something that I hadn't allowed, for a variety of reasons (last time he had talked to them, he had tried asking where we lived). She told me after the fact, of course, and to please not be mad at her.
What really cinched it was when she was texting my oldest son and asked if he had a magic kit, which sounds innocent unless you realize my ex used to ask my son that all the time. So...was she curious or is she fishing for information?
Now I don't trust her to help me guard my privacy and protect my sons from their dad. I question her motives. If she asks me a question, is she curious or passing on the information?
This betrayal, along with it being the 1 year anniversary of my ex going crazy, has brought back a lot of the anxiety that I've been slowly losing over the past few months and I feel like I'm starting to get jumpy again.
Luckily, one of my cousins (who knows my situation) was so furious with my mom that she told her mom (my mom's sister) who told my mom to be careful. I just hope she realizes how close she is to losing me and my kids for good.
I'm not sure when it happened or when I noticed but I've always felt like she resented my existence, despite continuous exclamations about how I was the daughter she always wanted, and I can't help but feel it was my personality. I'm an introvert and she couldn't just let me be.
I first felt suicidal at the age of 12. I felt unwanted and like I wasn't good enough. I was always too chicken to really do anything about it, even make a plan, but when I get stressed enough, my thoughts always go to wishing I could just disappear. Things got worse as I got a bit older. At the age of 16, I broke down at a bible study meeting about how I felt unloved. Their friendship filled a void in my heart and I learned to keep my friends close.
My parents separated when I was 20, but for years before that, whenever they fought, my mom would take it out on me. I got the impression that she was jealous that my dad had time for me and not for her. That he would do things for me when I asked (probably because I rarely asked). She flat out said I had my dad wrapped around my little finger. Those accusations stung because she made it sound like I was a manipulative person and I questioned how others saw me. Was I manipulative?
A few months ago, I realized there was a name for that kind of behaviour: Emotional neglect and emotional abuse thrown in when she was angry.
It all makes sense now, of course. No wonder I was so desperate for a relationship that I threw myself into an abusive relationship and continued it despite so many red flags. Because my parents had divorced, I felt like I had something to prove: That I could make my marriage work when hers didn't.
After my husband and I separated, my mom and I bonded over our failed marriages. But then my ex started stalking and harassing and terrorizing me in my own home. She became worried (excessively, I thought) to the point where she was scared he would kill me or the boys, and then himself.
After I moved out, my mom and I became closer because she started taking my boys for an occasional weekend or even a week at a time over the summer. We finally had a good relationship!
And then...betrayal.
After my father-in-law's service, my ex visited my mom at her place. She told me in person a week later. She was so pleased with how good he looked (compared to the last time he was there, when he was crazy). He even brought small trinkets for the kids!
Um...what?
Then the next time she had the kids at her place, she called him and let him speak to the kids, even though it was something that I hadn't allowed, for a variety of reasons (last time he had talked to them, he had tried asking where we lived). She told me after the fact, of course, and to please not be mad at her.
What really cinched it was when she was texting my oldest son and asked if he had a magic kit, which sounds innocent unless you realize my ex used to ask my son that all the time. So...was she curious or is she fishing for information?
Now I don't trust her to help me guard my privacy and protect my sons from their dad. I question her motives. If she asks me a question, is she curious or passing on the information?
This betrayal, along with it being the 1 year anniversary of my ex going crazy, has brought back a lot of the anxiety that I've been slowly losing over the past few months and I feel like I'm starting to get jumpy again.
Luckily, one of my cousins (who knows my situation) was so furious with my mom that she told her mom (my mom's sister) who told my mom to be careful. I just hope she realizes how close she is to losing me and my kids for good.
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